TANGENT SUNSET
CLUELESS RADIO
by Alex Cosper
Clueless Radio is a fictional story about an alternative station failing in ratings and sales but experiences
occasional flashes of success. At one time the station had great ratings and dominated the market but a new regime with a
new focus has erased the station's influence in the market. What could they be doing that is so wrong?
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Chapter 7: "A Game Of Musical Chairs"
A sullen, erie weekend passed for Bizz Barker. He had just bailed on his stable out-of-industry
job to come back to Clueless only to possibly be blown out after a week. It made no sense. Bizz
was usually an objective person but the situation had forced him into a defensive position. Now
he was up against other people who had no business competing for his gig that he felt he had
earned. He was experiencing the kind of feeling you get when you know you're right about something
but you also know that in the end you will be made to look wrong.
On Monday Bizz showed up for a meeting with the GM and the new indie Rosswick. Bizz was
sure that Heichman would say something like, "Bizz, we've appreciated your services but..." Then
it would be downhill from there. To his surprise the meeting simply turned out to just be about music.
"Bizz," said Heichman, "I want to introduce you to our new promotional liaison, Red Rosswick." Bizz shook
Rosswick's hand as Heichman continued. "Red is going to facilitate the station with promotions.
We're going to be doing big things with him. Huge. He's going to put together a festival for us.
Bizz, I'm going to need you to work closely with Red on putting this show together. In other
words, the two of you need to be on the same page musically. Do you understand where I'm going
with this?" Bizz nodded with a faint smile.
Then Rosswick cut in, "Bizz, we've got a lot to talk about and we've got a lot to do together
in a very short time. Now the first thing I need from you is a wish list of the bands you'll
want for the show. I'm very solid on securing acts. We route bands around the country for
several stations. Let's work together closely as a team and we can make great things happen."
The next day Bizz faxed a list of 25 bands to Rosswick's office. Bizz was easing out of his
paranoia. He not only felt happy that the axe didn't come down, but also that the station
was going to have a big show for the first time.
It was add day and Bizz thought he was going to pick the adds. Then a call came in from Rosswick.
"Hey Bizz, thanks for your fax. I'll be getting to work on lining up the bands right away.
In fact, I can fill up the entire second stage right away if we add five records today."
"What are the records?" asked Bizz.
"I got us Aliens Embedded, Majestix, Metal 99, Sin N'tonic and Captain One Eye."
"I've never heard of any of those bands," complained Bizz.
"That's because they're all new baby bands. Look, it doesn't matter who plays the second stage, I'm just trying
to get the second stage locked up early so that it will be easier to add more established acts
to the bill. You know it's really difficult when you're trying to convince managers of headline
bands that you want to do a show but you don't have anybody yet. This just gets that argument
out of the way. Come on, Bizz, work with me. I've been doing this stuff for years. Do you want to
do a great show or do you want it to be a struggle?"
Bizz was quiet for a moment then he came to the realization that his job might depend on playing
ball with Rosswick. "Okay," Bizz complied. "Let's add those records today."
So, for the second week in a row Bizz had absolutely no input on the new music. Politically
speaking, he was near death. After he reported the adds to the trades he went to go listen
to the five records. First he listened to Aliens Embedded, which was full of sound effects
and sci-fi samples set to an industrial rhythm track. It didn't sound bad, it just didn't really
fit the Clueless sound, which at this point might be a good thing. The only other record in the
stack that Bizz thought sounded okay was Majestix, which had a retro 90s Seattle sound. Bizz
decided to daypart the other three records in just the overnights.
The next day Rosswick called Bizz with seven more adds for next Tuesday. They turned out
to be seven more records that Bizz never even heard of. The adds were: John Western Mills,
Amberqueen, Spitsoup, Oops Insider, Fabulous Mockingbirds, Suckhouse and Creamy. This time
Bizz didn't like any of the records. They either sounded like other records or they just
sounded lame. Rosswick claimed he had made a deal to add a bunch of baby bands in exchange
for a solid headliner, but he refused to say who the headliner might be.
Bizz did some station research and found out that most of the adds over the past six months
were stiffs. Clueless played the hits, but they also were too early on dozens of tune-out
records that they hung onto too long. Tim Jarz had research at his disposal, but it was distorted
in-house research, it seemed. The burn scores didn't seem believable. Bizz suspected
that research director Python had contaminated the data with his personal musical biases
in mind. It made sense because when Bizz met Python last week no love was felt. There was kind
of an undertone that Python, who was in his early twenties, didn't like the Jarz playlist and
was skeptical of the Bizz playlist. Python resented the fact that he had to play "too much of
my parents' music and not enough harder stuff."
Bizz was starting to suffer from what Python would call a "paranoiattack." Not only was Bizz
battling the power structure above him like Heichman, Rosswick, corporate people and possibly
Jennifer, he now had to battle with the fools below him. And at that very moment the voice on
the radio was none other than Python.
"Good evening all my followers, it's Python and I have come again to lead you to a better
world. Don't be disturbed by television, the phone or the motha-muckin' internet. Now if you
can do all that and listen to my show at the same time...then it's all right. But friends, you
don't want to miss a single word I say tonight or I'll hunt you down and crack your
skull with a baseball bat. Then everything's gonna get real fuzzy and you might even start
dancing with skeletons."
Python laughed at his typical sign-on remark. He got away with all kinds of crazy
breaks because Tim Jarz never listened to the radio at night and neither did Bizz until now.
"What the hell is he doing?" Bizz said out loud to himself. Bizz picked up the phone to hotline
Python but then he stopped, realizing he didn't like to bother jocks while they were on the
air. He decided to put the phone down.
Python's next break was even more alarming:
"So I'm getting a little upset with some of you Clueless morons. First I tell you what the
rules are and then you turn around and break them. I said no T.V.!" Python then played a
15 second montage of television soundbites followed by the sound of machine guns. Python
was now laughing madly as he spoke. "You fools have defied me for the last time. I've put
a radioactive bug on the signal that goes from my voice to your radio. Now that little
microscopic bug is really a software program designed to spray permanent sleeping gas
out of all radios not tuned to my show. The best thing to do, then, in my opinion, is call
up all your friends and tell them they better listen to Clueless. Now somebody call me."
"This guy's a nut," said a livid Bizz, picking up the phone.
At the studio Python saw the hotline lighting up. Python believed that whoever it was,
it didn't matter because in his estimation he was having such a great show.
"Hello, who could possibly be trying to interrupt my show?" inquired the arrogant Python, trying to be funny.
"Hey Python, it's Bizz Barker. Hey, I know we haven't talked much yet, but we need to set
something straight right away. I do want you to be creative but I also want you to sound like
the listener's friend."
"Yeah?" returned Python. "You'd be surprised how many people listen to my show and like it
just the way it is because I'm funny."
"Python, I've seen your ratings. They're not that good."
"The ratings aren't that good because you and all your other programmer types make the jocks
play all this terrible music. Man, you don't have to be here to hear all the complaints, do you?
Every other call is someone saying 'how come your music sucks?' But these same callers say they
listen because they think I'm funny."
"Well I don't think you're funny, you sound like a self-indulgent wannabe shock jock," said
Bizz as Python hung up the phone, not caring what Bizz thought.
Bizz was so stunned by Python's defiance he had to ask himself "should I go down there and suspend
him?" After a few minutes of deep consideration Bizz decided he would just bring it up to
Heichman in tomorrow's meeting.
Heichman's deal with Jennifer was that she would take a few weeks off and then emerge as the
new Clueless PD. Heichman thought it was a good idea because this would make it seem like he
gave Bizz a chance. In reality Heichman was giving Bizz a chance to fail. Heichman was looking
for a case to build against Bizz. The station's first trend since the down book was coming out
soon and Heichman was planning on blaming Bizz for what he expected to be more falling numbers.
"I'm having a problem with one of our jocks," Bizz said to Heichman.
"Really?" said Heichman. "What is your problem?"
"Python is my problem. He's disrespecting my authority."
"In what way?"
"Well, I hotlined him last night after he did this super delusional break and... "
"Wait a minute," interrupted Heichman. "You called him on the hotline during his show to
critique his performance? Nice going, Bizz, that was real professional. And did you expect
him to feel good after you tore him to pieces? I don't know about you, Bizz. We seriously
have to consider moving you into a position where you have a better grasp of the situation."
From that moment on Bizz Barker no longer cared about the job. He began reading the classifieds
every day and calling industry friends to fish for job leads. After a few more weeks of going
through the motions, Barker was called in for a meeting with Heichman.
"Trends came in today," said Heichman. There was a long pause before he revealed, "We went
down again."
Bizz assumed the blame would be placed on Paneela or Jarz. "Well, just give it a little time
and we'll be back," voiced an optimistic Bizz.
"Unfortunately time has run out for you, Bizz," said Heichman. "I can't let the station keep
sinking in quicksand. That's why I've decided to pay closer attention to programming. Bizz,
you're just not getting the job done. Now I don't want to lose you because I like you. But I
need a programmer who will lead us to victory. That's why effective Monday I want you to
concentrate on your air shift while someone else does the programming. I'm brining in Jennifer
as PD and you will officially be MD." What Heichman did not mention was that Python
was now the APD.
"Fine," said Bizz, shaking. "I'm not really an upper management type of guy anyway."
Heichman looked offended as he tried to correct Bizz, "oh, come on now, Bizz, what you were doing
is not considered upper management here."
End of Chapter 7. Continue to Chapter 8
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